Yesterday was a bad pain day. Often, even as my neck is aching, extending down from the base of my cranium through the front of my neck, my arms, my upper back and around my temples, the real discomfort is the sense of guilt and dread I have either because if it is the weekend I am losing a day of relaxation or a during the week, a day of work and income. I have this voice in my head that asks me, "Is the pain really that bad, or are you just avoiding life/being depressed?" This voice is strengthen by the reading I have done over the years from perspectives on pain management which emphasize the subjectivity of pain and its existence as a behavioral response. Maybe the pain isn't so bad? Maybe it is my reaction to it that needs to change?
I lie in bed, or sit on the couch, breathing, trying to think good thoughts, trying to distract myself, but when the pain comes into consciousness, it is accompanied by a chorus of voices chastising me for being "weak" or "lazy" or "selfish". I certainly have days where I push through the pain, and find a balance between being active in life and being in pain. But on hard days, the pain is so present that even engaging in fulfilling hobbies (making music, being social, going places) is too burdensome. The voices berate me for this response, accusing me of not living up to my values. It feels like gaslighting. This morning, after waking early because the pain made it too uncomfortable to sleep, I got my coffee and sat down at the computer. I found this article by Alana Saltz at the Disability Visibility project. It was very eye-opening. Here is my response: ---- Update. There appears to be no response. Or rather, my response is gone. After working on it for an hours, when I hit post it disappeared before I could copy it here. I find this ironic given my recent post about the motivations of creativity. Anyway, maybe it will reappear. Until then, I went into my mixed feelings about CBT/CFT/ACT, and the ways it seems to fit nicely with a neoliberal agenda of allowing market forces to dictate the morality of work. Or, OK, I have to work through the pain but don't sell me some shit about ignoring it while saying nothing of the unreasonable expectations of having to make an income while in pain. Sure, I could do deep breaths and mindfulness but when I don't have to worry about work I'm 50% more pain free because I'm not having to work through it. Smile through it. Focus my attention on the task at hand through it. Be polite through it. That was basically the post, with a lot more behavior analysis and therapeutic ethics.
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