Micro-Aggressions

Business Insider has a piece "What is a Microaggression" posted to Yahoo.  The comments were expectedly reactionary and missing the point: we each have a point of view shaped by our experiences. But there are social dynamics in society that create different experiences for each of us. Some of those experiences are a direct result of social norms that create "in" and "out" groups, or that preference certain groups/categories/cultures of people that are paid more positive or negative attention. The more positive attention an individual gets the less likely they are to experience or even see what it's like for those with less positive attention to live in society.

There are endless examples of this. To use a less polarizing example, imagine you are a rural kid who moves to the city, and find yourself being treated differently, pre-judged, or having assumptions being made about you because you grew up differently. This would be coming from misconceptions or pre-conceived notions city people might have about rural people. Or maybe you are poor and they are wealthy. Or maybe you are from an uneducated family and they are not. Or maybe you are religious and they are not.

This is all normal and humans have been doing this forever because being with different people means not having the same life experiences. Having assumptions makes life easier in many ways - when people are just like you it's easier to trust them as you can more easily understand where they are coming from and visa versa. This is perfectly natural. But to the degree that people are different, it becomes harder to rely on shared heuristics (mental shortcuts that can facilitate problem-solving and probability judgments). This is where making a social faux-pas, and "putting your foot in your mouth" happens.

With minor things, it is no big deal, but when vast gaps exist, and corrosive/toxic assumptions are present (such as historical attitudes about race, gender, sexuality, class, etc.) a minor mistake can mean adding an additional dollop of negative social attention to someone who already experiences these dollops in myriad ways every day. In most cases, the actor making these mistakes is unaware of the context of what they said - either because no one has ever pointed it out to them or they haven't spent much time reflecting on how their actions might come across to someone else. At a basic level, this sort of social mindfulness is merely good manners - thinking of others, being sensitive, etc. For example, if someone just lost a loved one, you might not want to tell a story about how great it is to be with your loved ones. Or if you do, to be sensitive about it.

This is a part of what many call "emotional intelligence", and involves being kind, empathetic, considerate, wise, thoughtful, etc. It shows that you understand what someone is going through and are willing to raise them up, even just a little bit. It isn't about "censoring" yourself. If you really need to say or do something, you just make sure that you show the person you understand and care about them. We do this all the time. You might preface your remark with "I know you just lost your mother. I'm really thankful that my mom is still here." This might even show that you really understand their loss because it reminds you of the value of parents.

​And if you aren't aware of someone's experience, it starts with listening and learning. How would you know if you don't ask. You can also read about aspects of their life or of the lives of people like them. You can read books that explore the history and context of their particular experience and the reasons why they might have the experience they do.
And after making the social mistake, a simple acknowledgement or apology will do. If you feel like you really understand where they are coming from, and feel your action was justified, that may also be OK - but just really make sure you have done your "homework" and be prepared for pushback. After all, people can have legitimate disagreements even after understanding something very well.
Finally, I would just say that so much discourse is really about epistemology: how we know what we know. US history is filled with examples of how different people have been discriminated against, misjudged, pre-judged, excluded, and not listened to. Those of us who have not had those experiences should be very mindful of not only the privilege we have received (often without even realizing it), but should also have the humility to acknowledge and try and understand better - to listen more - to people who have had very different and often negative experiences