4:30am

The Demon Gartiraf, Eve Harms. "a flying demon of disease described in the Liber de Angelis who serves under Bilet"

I drempt last night (this morning) that I was with my family and my neck pain was unbearable.  I didn't know what to do and just kept crying.  Guilty because this was all I could offer them.  Hopeless because the pain would never end.

I woke up and laid in bed, the pain terrible.  It was 4:30am and I had planned to put in a full day of work.  If I got up I knew I wouldn't be able to go into work.  I already am missing maybe 1 day a week.  We need the money.

I finally got up because lying there in pain was pointless.  I made a heatpack and grabbed a soda.  I ignored the option to make a bowl of cereal, which often makes me feel better but I could lose the weight.

I sat down at my computer and put in a nicotine pouch.  I read the social media site in which people frtted over the impending fascism of the right wing party inexorably denying anything is wrong with the authoritarian sociopath who they seemingly follow like a cult leader.  They've allowed themselves to get worked up into a froth of anger and resentment which I don't understand.  More so because I don't know any of them in my personal life.  I sometimes think up pithy bumperstickers that I could put on my car, desperate and futile little messages I might send out hoping to persuade sometone of something.  But bumperstickers are so futile and desperate.  I think of one that says "Pithy Slogan Against Fascism".

I have a music project that I can barely get to because I am so often sore and lacking the energy.  As it is a large source of meaning and redemptive valor in my life, not being able to make progress on it leaves me forlorn.

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